


Impossible Things

by thejilyship



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter Marauders - Fandom, Marauders - Fandom
Genre: F/M, In universe but alternative timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 10:31:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18030062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejilyship/pseuds/thejilyship
Summary: Lily is pregnant in the middle of a war. She doesn't know how she's going to tell James, or how she's going to take care of a baby, but James has always believed in impossible things, and perhaps he can get her to start believing as well. | In universe but with an alternate timeline





	Impossible Things

Lily Evans’ cat hated her.

That was the only possible explanation for why he had decided to sit directly in front of her and start licking himself while she was sitting on the toilet, in the middle of a crisis.

“Shoo,” She said, swotting at the cat and then nudging him with her foot so that he would run toward the door. But he didn’t. He just looked at her foot, and then up at her with big brown eyes and went back to licking himself, but now while making eye contact. Lily made a face but then let him go about his business.

Lily was aware that she didn’t actually give a shit what the cat was doing just then, it was just far easier to focus on the cat than on the little white stick that she had just peed on.

Why did you have to wait so long for the little symbol to appear? Did the inventor of at home pregnancy tests wish to cause could-be-expectant-mothers the most stress that he possibly could? Lily had no doubt that the inventor had been a man, because a woman would have invented something that minimized the stress involved.

Also it wouldn’t have been such an undignified test. There would be no reaching in between your thighs and pissing on the stick, crossing your fingers and hoping that you avoided your hand. Women couldn’t exactly aim where they were peeing.

It had definitely been a man.

She tucked her chin down against her chest and swore under her breath. Her hair fell in a curtain around her and she tried to pretend that it blocked her from the rest of the world, but it was bright red and wild, it had always attracted more attention to her than it had helped to make her invisible. Maybe the hair was the reason that she seemed to be a beacon for bad news.

It had not been an easy summer for Lily.

Her sister had all but excommunicated her, her mother had been diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, the magical world was doing it’s damnedest to kick her out or kill her, and now this.

Though, she reminded herself, this could still be nothing. She didn’t _have_ to be pregnant just because everything else was going wrong. This could just be a fluke, like that one time in Sixth year when she went without her period for four months and it turned out that it was all just stress induced.

Of course, her worrying over being pregnant then was a bit unwarranted, as she hadn’t had sex. But Lily’s mind had always been good at deciding something impossible could happen to her if it was also inconvenient or terrible.

This time was different of course. Not only had she actually had sex, but she also felt different. She knew it wasn’t possible, but she felt as though she was acutely aware of two separate heartbeats in side her chest.

And that was complicating everything.

Because it had been more than two minutes now, it had been four minutes. Six. Eight. Ten. But she couldn’t decide what she wanted the test to tell her and so she couldn’t look.

It couldn’t tell her that she was pregnant because they were in the middle of a war and her life was falling apart and she didn’t have the means to support a baby and she didn’t know if she could face telling anyone that she was pregnant on top of everything else. She didn’t want to be the twenty-year-old pregnant girl.

But it couldn’t tell her that she wasn’t pregnant either, because she thought she could feel the baby’s heart beat and she had already started picturing what its perfect little fingers and toes would look like, and she could imagine the look on _his_ face when she told him that he was going to be a dad.

And while that would offer a whole slew of other problems, she thought he would be happy anyway.

She and James weren’t together. Not really. Not in a way that mattered, but also in everyway that mattered. They were friends, and sometimes they were more. He told her he loved her and she said that she didn’t. He said that he wanted to be with her, and she said that she couldn’t. Sometimes he made her feel like a coward, but most of the time he made her laugh.

She steeled herself with a deep breath and then reached for the little white stick.

A tiny plus sign stared back at her.

oOo

She’d asked him to a diner. She wasn’t usually the one to initiate get togethers, so he agreed readily and happily and showed up at the place before she had, which hardly ever happened.

He swooped in and pecked her on the cheek when she arrived and her stomach fluttered, but not as it usually did. It didn’t usually feel like she’d just finished swallowing lead bricks when she was with him. It was normally the opposite. She felt too light, like she might just float away if he kissed her one more time, or traced his fingertips over her arm for just a little longer or even if he just kept smiling at her like he always did.

She ducked her head and muttered her ‘hello’ before slipping out of her coat and hanging it on the back of her chair. She ordered a coke and then started fiddling with her napkin.

She didn’t know how long they had been silently sitting across from one another before he started talking.

“So this is it, yeah?” He asked, causing her to look up at him with wide eyes. For some reason, she was worried that he’d be able to tell. That he could see right into her mind, or maybe she looked pregnant already.

“You’re chucking me?” He was smiling, but he was always smiling when he was hurt, and she’d gotten good at finding the truth in other places. The extra crinkles at the corner of his eyes, the way his entire being just seemed to dim ever so slightly, his shoulders were more ridged, he was tapping his fingers on his leg (she couldn’t see this, but she knew that he was doing it.)

“What?” She didn’t want to say this, she wanted to deny that she was doing any sort of chucking. She also wanted to remind him that she couldn’t technically break up with him since they weren’t, _technically,_ together.

“I mean, I should have guessed that that was what was going to happen when you asked to meet me here. We don’t really go on dates, and if we were going to go on a date, then I’d be the one doing the asking- but I’m getting away from myself. Can I ask why?”

Lily laughed and shook her head. Sometimes she thought that she and James were two of a kind. He was also good at believing impossible things could happen.

And that’s what the notion of her chucking him aside in any sense was to her; an impossible thing.

The waitress came and handed them their drinks before Lily said anything. “I’m not chucking you, James. And this isn’t a date.”

He digested this bit of information and then nodded his head, his entire body relaxing. “I believe half of what you just said.”

“That seems to be par for the course.” She said, running a hand through her hair and then watched him do the same thing. She wondered when she’d picked up that habit of his.

“So,” He was smirking at her now, so easily forgetting that he’d just thought that she’d brought him here to tell him that she was done with him. “You just missed me then?”

She was too nervous to play along with their usual routine. Where she would act like she didn’t like him as much as she did, and he would pretend to trick her into flirting with him. “Yeah,” She sighed, resting her chin on her hand. “Also, I need to talk to you.”

He narrowed his brow and reached out for her hand. He laced their fingers together. “You okay, Evans?”

She shook her head and bit down on her bottom lip to keep it from sticking out pathetically. She didn’t want to cry in the middle of this muggle diner. It had been stupid to think that she could do this in a public place. Or maybe to think that she could do this at all. Perhaps she should just go home and hide in her bed forever.

He noticed of course, that she was on the verge of breaking down, and he quickly stood up and switched to the chair beside her instead of across from her. He kissed the crown of her head and then bumped his nose against her forehead. “Hey, let’s go for a walk.” He said, tossing some muggle money on the table and pulling her to her feet.

“It’s cold outside.” She said bitterly.

“I’ll keep you warm. C’mon.” He squeezed her hand and then let go so that he could help her put on her coat. And she let him.

It didn’t feel as cold as it should have when they stepped outside, and Lily wondered if perhaps he had cast a charm to them before they left the diner. There was another bitter pang in her chest as she thought of the wand that she had lost.

Lost actually implied that she’d misplaced it or done something irresponsible. It was taken from her. The ministry officials decided that she must have taken it from a proper witch, and they took it away, barring her entrance to most magical cities, as you needed a wand to get in. She couldn’t floo without a wand, she couldn’t apparat, she couldn’t even take the Knight Bus unless she got someone else to wave it down for her.

She felt stuck without her wand. Stuck and helpless.

They got away from the crowds, and soon they were walking around a deserted park nearby. Snow flakes were falling from the sky, but none of them touched her skin. The wind rustled the dormant branches, but it didn’t tousle her hair. It felt more like April than early March.

“So?” James still had her hand clasped in his. “What’s going on?”

The words felt sticky in her throat as she tried to piece them into a coherent thought. She could tell him about her sister, or her mother, put off telling him the thing he needed to know. She let out a heavy breath and shook her head. “Too much.” She said softly, and then she led them over to a park bench.

James’ knee started bouncing as soon as they were sitting and she realized that he probably didn’t want to get this news while sitting, he’d never been all that good at sitting still.

She tried again to get the words in order. _I messed up. I got us into a real tight spot now. I’m sorry. This is all my fault._ Perhaps that should all come later though.

“I’m pregnant.” She said instead. Short, to the point and impossible to misinterpret.

She couldn’t look at his face. She had been sure that he would be happy while she was back in her bathroom, but now she thought that she had just been trying to convince herself that things would end up being okay if she were pregnant. That she wouldn’t soon be all alone with a baby and no one to help her figure it all out.

If she looked at him now and she saw his initial reaction of fear or anger, then she’d have to live with that memory.

“Marry me.” He said quietly, letting go of her hand so he could reach up and tilt her face toward his.

She leaned back, reaching up and pulling his hands down. “No.” He didn’t understand what was going on here. It never seemed like he fully understood. He’d always thought that there was a quick fix to everything. “James, I’m pregnant.” And this time she looked at him while she said it. She watched his eyes, his shoulders, his fingers.

He was scared, she could see that, but there was something else shinning there too. Something bright and clear and warm. “I heard you the first time.” He said, the corner of his mouth quirking up, if only slightly.

“Did you forget about the war? I can’t have a baby right now! I can’t be pregnant when I have no means of protecting myself, let alone anyone else.” Her hands were in her hair now and she felt her breath coming quicker and in shallow bursts. “I haven’t even held a baby in over five years and I don’t have a clue how to take care of one, not really. Why did I let this happen? Merlin I’m so stupid-“

James’ hands were on her wrists and he gently pulled her hands away from her hair. He kissed each of her palms and then folded her hands in his. “Sometimes these things just happen, Lily. We can choose to see all the reasons that it shouldn’t be happening, and yeah, maybe we should have been more careful, but that’s not going to change anything. You’re pregnant, we’re having a baby.” He was smiling again when he said it, looking like he couldn’t help himself. “There’s a lot of good that can come out of that too. If we let it.”

She sighed and leaned forward, resting her head against his shoulder. “I feel guilty.” She admitted, no longer feeling like she was spiraling.

“What for?”

“For being excited about him.” She said, squeezing his hands. “It’s so dangerous right now, for both of us. I feel guilty for the same reason I feel guilty whenever I see you. I’m putting you in danger.”

“I love you.” He said into her hair. “And I know you don’t want to say it back, for a million reasons that I couldn’t even scratch the surface of if I tried, but I’m not going anywhere. Even if we weren’t together, in whatever sense you’re comfortable saying we’re together, I would still love you. You’re not putting me in danger, Evans. I’ve been doing that on my own for as long as I can remember.”

They were quiet for a few minutes, Lily tried to let his words settle her stomach, she tried to believe him. She let herself find some comfort in all of his qualifiers.

“When’s the baby coming?” He asked quietly.

“Middle of July.”

“A summer child.”

“Better than the two of us. January and March. Terribly cold months.”

He let out a breathy laugh and shrugged, jostling her head. “I don’t know. It’s not too bad right now.”

“Yes it is.” She said. “You’ve just magicked the cold away. It’s still here though, for everyone else.”

“We’ll find a way to get you a wand.” He said, his voice more serious. “It shouldn’t be so difficult. We’ll find you one.”

“James?” She tilted her head up to look at him. He looked down. “I know that you like to play at being a knight in shining armor but asking me to marry you a few minutes ago was a bit much. Even for you.”

He shook his head and kissed the tip of her nose. “I’ll get you to marry me one of these days, Evans.”

“James?”

“Yes?” He grinned and looked down at her again.

“I do love you.” The lead bricks were back in her stomach, but they turned molten when his eyes started shining. And then he kissed her, and she felt herself relax into his arms. The world could be burning around them, and she wouldn’t have noticed. Perhaps the world was burning around them, and that was why they needed each other.

“I knew it.” He teased, but the warmth in his voice gave him away. “We’re going to figure this all out, Lily.” He said, his nose still pressed against hers. “We’ll figure this out and find a way to be happy in the middle of all of the reasons to be miserable and terrified.”

“That sounds like cheating.” She said, the beginning of that light feeling coming back to her. The feeling that made her feel like a balloon trying to rise into the sky.

“It sounds like winning to me.” He kissed her again.

She put a hand on her stomach and bit her bottom lip. “You’ve got to teach me how you do that.”

“How I do what?”

“You’re optimistic about everything all the time. You believe in impossible things and then they become the truth. How do you do that?”

He shook his head. “Bad things happen to everyone. They are unavoidable. It was a hard thing to accept, but once I did, I learned how to hold onto all the good moments. And you, Lily Evans, are a lot of very good moments.”

She nestled closer to him and smiled into his shirt. “You’re kind of wonderful.”

“Sometimes,” He agreed.

“Most of the time.” She countered.

“Oh alright.” She laughed and he pulled her closer. “We’re going to be okay.”

“I suppose I’ll just have to take your word for it.”

“For now. But you’ll start believing it yourself sooner or later.”

“Things are going to be hard.”

“Of course.” He nodded. “But it’s also going to be worth it.”

And that, impossible or not, she did believe.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are amazing!


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